subject line: Cheater - a person who acts dishonestly to gain an advantage.

 

sonora, california 

Cheater is such a painful word, and you’ll never really understand how terribly hurtful it is until it’s used in the same sentence as your name.

I cheated. I am not a cheater.

What I did haunts me everyday. Sometimes when I close my eyes I get flashbacks of that night that turn my body cold. I get flashbacks of me saying “stop, stop!” Why didn’t I say it sooner? Why did I have so many drinks? Why didn’t I just go home even though we had yet another horrible fight? I ask myself these questions every single day, sometimes all day. Everybody knows. And I hear what they say about me, and it hurts. Sometimes I just want to fall to my knees and scream for the whole world to hear “ I’m sorry, I really am sorry! I’m only human!” But I’m no longer human to them. I’m a cheater, and I lost everything because of it. Most importantly, the man I loved every inch of. If a cheater is a person who acts dishonestly to GAIN an advantage, that isn’t me. I’ve gained nothing.