subject line: the only one with me.


jacksonville, florida

I went to my grandfather’s funeral today.
It’s taken my grandmother months to have this service.
I think my grandfather thought that maybe no one would show up or something like that.
But the service happened today, and I was there...standing in the very back behind all of the other people who showed up.

I found myself chuckling for a moment.
”See this? All these people? All the ones you thought wouldn’t show up…Well, they sure are here now.”

My chuckling turned into a trembling lip and hot tears that I tried to keep inside my eyes.
I was finally crying about my grandfather being gone.
You see, the thing is…I never really noticed he was that “gone” until today.
It just felt like I hadn’t visited him in awhile, or that he was somewhere else.

But I was standing in the back of his funeral, and I felt the weight of his absence.
I felt it because I was the one filming his funeral.
Because normally he is the one looking back at me during family events and winking at me while I run around with my camera.

The odd part about realizing that he was actually gone was feeling like he was the only one there with me.
My family was in the front, and I was just in the back...feeling him stand beside me.
I heard him lean down and whisper in my ear, “this video is going to turn out great! I love you.”

Can you imagine...your own grandfather telling you how great you would make his funeral video?

I heard him laughing at some of the stories that were being told, and singing along to Eternal Father, Strong to Save, and occasionally looking over at me just to give a nod of affirmation.

Affirmation that it was okay to cry.
Affirmation that what I’m doing with my life is okay.
Affirmation that my little brother will one day come home.
Affirmation that my family isn’t going to crumble to pieces with everything that we’ve been through.
Affirmation that heaven is all that we spoke of and more.

My grandfather was the only one missing at his funeral, yet to me, he was the only one really there.