subject line: I hope you are fighting.

 

north, canada

You know who you are. You are my best friend. You are my soul sister. But I lost you. I lost you to something I never had control over. I lost you to your own demons. I lost you to you.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I wish I could tell you that I am still standing in your corner believing that you can overcome. I wish I could tell you that all your dreams can still come true. I wish I could tell you that I never gave up but the choice was taken from me. I wish I could tell you that I am still hopeful.

We made big plans, you and I. We were going to conquer the world with conversations trailing into the morning and roadtrips searching for freedom. We were going to have rocking chairs from which to watch our grand babies play. We were going to be the forever shoulder to lean on.

I could really use you right now. I could really use you. I need my champion back. I need my laughter back. I need my dreamer back. I am struggling and I need you. Maybe if I could have said those words ‘I need you’ sooner, you might have been able to fight harder. I’m sorry for that, I just wish through some whisper on this page you would hear those words and reach out. The struggle is so real; I need you.

The hardest part about this is never having a choice; I never got a choice about the letting go. You just disappeared. Barricaded behind a wall of self-hate that no love can conquer. The hardest part is having you die in my life and knowing somewhere out there you are breathing. You are alive. You still have a chance to fight.

I hope you are holding strong to the words I sent you last. I hope you are holding strong to the God that so loves you; the God that created our puzzle pieces with a side meant for another. I hope you are fighting. I hope you are overcoming. I hope you are learning to love you. I hope you are falling in love with you.

More than anything I hope you can still whisper ‘she loved.’ Always and Forever.