subject line: I didn't deserve this.

 

chicago, illinois

A little over a month ago I walked away from a very abusive and controlling relationship. He would yell at me and call me horrible things and lie to me and change his story and constantly deny reality and make me doubt what had happened. He would get so angry and he would throw things around or break things, and a few times he even pushed me, which resulted in bruises that he swears were an accident. He threatened to take my car and kick me out of our apartment and take every cent I had to my name if I ever tried to leave him. He thought he had me trapped.

But I left.

And here I am now, a month later, in a brand new apartment that only has my name on the lease, all my money in my own bank account, and my car in my name.

Looks like freedom.

But it’s not. I was strong enough to walk away but evidently not strong enough to stay away. He promised me things would be so different and he could make me happy and he would never hurt me again. You know, the classic lines a manipulator uses when they think they’re losing you. And I know this. I knew better and yet I still fell for it. And now, he sleeps next to me in my bed every night. All of his stuff is in my apartment. And he won’t leave. And I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this all over again. And I don’t have anywhere to go this time. This is my apartment. He won’t leave and I can’t leave.
It’s funny, you know. In my effort to make it so that I wouldn’t be trapped again, I think I only made it worse.

I wish I hated him. But really, I hate myself. For only seeing the good in him. Still. Even after all he’s put me through.

But maybe this is all my fault. After all, I’m the one that keeps putting myself through this. And I hate it. I hate going to bed wanting to pull my hair and dig my nails into my skin and run out on to my balcony as scream at the top of my lungs and then collapse to my knees because I’m not angry. I was never angry. Just really, really sad.