subject line: I could've done worse, and that would've been better.


college station, texas

I was disappointed when I checked my final grades this past week.

But not in the way most people would be. I was angry that I had done so well on them. I was angry that my grades had surpassed what I thought I would get on them. All because I want some logical reason to give everyone as to why I want to leave. Why my heart so desperately longs for a place I am not in. Why I feel as if I am suffocating in every class I walk in, in every retail store I step in.

My heart beats for the people halfway across the world. It belongs to those who have no intention of giving it back, and I am more than okay with that.
You see, two months ago I went to the Middle East and my world was altered. And its not as if its the first place I’ve been to that’s shown me how desperate and hurting the world is, its just the first to really grip me tight and cling for dear life. And since then, I’ve been struggling. I’ve been gasping for air in a place that won’t let me breathe.

I figured if I received bad grades in college, my parents would see that it wasn’t for me. That I was meant to do something different with my life. And they would be more accepting of me picking up and leaving. Leaving to love on those 6,000 miles away.
So what do I do now? Now that I have been deemed “successful”? Now that I have a reason to stay?