subject line: cry for help.

 

amarillo, texas

I’m newly 25. Newly to the world of adulting. Painfully finding out that I don’t know what I’m doing. Jobs keep slipping through my fingers. Jobs that don’t need some kind of certification or previous experience. My certification wouldn’t get me a good job, it wouldn’t even validate my undergraduate career. But here I am studying and stressing, freaking out. I’m alone in my struggles. And that’s what you get for burning your bridges.

I am hurting. And I’m looking for peace or healing in all the wrong places. People. Drugs. Booze. Everything that I want and finding that it’s just as hollow as me studying and stressing over something I’m not entirely sure I want. This certification doesn’t mean anything, except that I did something that they said I couldn’t. And at some point that was enough. But not right now. I don’t have anything to prove. To anyone but myself. But here I am. Studying. Because that’s what I have to prove.

I make decisions based on possibilities. I guess that’s what you call “counting chicks before they hatch.” Unfortunately I’ve been really good at it. And yet here I am. Crying out for help because as I look up from my text books and studying, I realize I’m alone.