subject line: Accidental Grief.

 

nashville, tennessee

He wasn’t there. It was his last day working a few feet away from me and his chair was empty and his office was bare. People walked by to tell me they were sorry that he was leaving. They would miss him. They knew I would miss him. “I can tell you all were really close,” they would say. It felt like they were sending their condolences. It felt like we were about to attend a funeral. Maybe that is why this feels like grief.

I was mad that he wasn’t there. We only had a few more hours to be work bffs. And he just didn’t show up. I was furious. Doesn’t he know that this is it? Why were there tears in my eyes? Why am I this mad?

In all of the small talk, and complaining about work, and learning how to have a whole conversation without speaking, I think I accidentally fell in love with him. I was mad that he didn’t show up, because it felt like he stood me up. I didn’t even know my heart was this involved until I realized I wouldn’t see him everyday. And I died a little inside.

But the reason I was so mad? Because I wanted him to like me. To show up. To choose me. But he didn’t. He just took his box with all of his belongings and got in the elevator. And left me to mourn the loss of something that never was.