subject line: It's mutual. And I am terrified.

 

pittsburgh, pennsylvania

It’s nothing big at all. From the outside it looks like nothing. I like him, you see. He’s the first one that I’ve had a real attraction to. I’m nineteen and I have my first crush. Its kinda fun. It’s mutual. The thing is, this terrifies me. I see why they call it a crush — it literally hurts. Since I realized that I liked him + that I want this to work out, I’ve cried myself to sleep each night. Its not that I’m afraid he can’t love me, it’s that I’m afraid I will never love myself.

I am somebody who has a lot of people looking up to me. I am always on the spot & expected to create amazing things. They think I have it together. I’ve heard things like “Your life is a dream.” “You have a gift.” “You are such an inspiration to young women..” I appreciate these comments, I really do. But is the show I am putting on too good? I am broken. I am a mess. All I want to do is lay in bed.

Why does this silly crush have such an effect over me? How can others love me when I can’t even love myself?