subject line: Dear you,


medical lake, washington

Dear You,

I don’t know why I’m writing this. You will never read it. Assuredly, you are a little too busy figuring out yourself to really care about my writing anymore. Maybe you cared at the beginning, when everything I did seemed like magic to you. But now, today? I know this is a shout into the void. Which is why I’m doing it. Right?

2 years ago I saw you from across the room, and it was a severe moment. A moment where something tugged hard at my chest and said, “Yeah, feel that?” ...But all I could do was try to memorize how to breathe again and keep my head down. Hey, you had a girlfriend, and I had too much anxiety and a full course load. It just wasn’t going to be in the cards, right?

Weeks became months, and months became memories and memories became year 1. There we were, single and ready to try. To finally try. We wanted to know each other, and feel together, and just BE together. That expansive abyss of “future” was stretched out in front of us, and we were that quintessential 20-something team ready to dive in. Fuck everyone else, it was us against the world, right?

Man, I had finally let myself feel again. Feel something more than just anxiety or sleepiness or depression or fear. I could feel for you now. Finally it was my turn! After the years of walking by my best friends through their 1st, 2nd, and 3rd loves. Through the first text messages to the final tears, I was the eternal bystander. Always waiting in line. Now it was year 2. And I was first up, and nothing in the world could touch me. Nothing could break me, right?

But then you did. And what once was beautiful and full of forever suddenly became utterly crippling and cut short. You blamed it on being “fucked up” and needing time to get your head on straight. But weren’t you the one always telling me that I was your arrow? Your angel? The one to keep you going in the right direction? Everything we risked came crashing down, and the choice was yours and yours alone. And now I am alone. Like you said, “it just isn’t in the cards” right?

You quit us. You quit ME. Suddenly, I’m doing it all as a table for 1 again. You quit and left me flailing. Guess I’m supposed to put in my 2 weeks notice now too. Right?