Subject line: What I do know.

 

salt lake city, utah. 

I loaded my groceries in my car and before backing out, saw I had 8 new text messages in my family group message. It was my mom telling us our paternal grandfather had suffered a heart attack and passed away.

I sat in shock for a minute. I didn’t really know him. He lives half a world away and we don’t even speak the same language. I haven’t seen him in 16+ years, since my own father’s funeral. Yet as I drove him home I started to cry and I still haven’t really stopped. I’m sad that he’s gone. I’m sad I didn’t get a chance to really know him. I’m sad for my family members who are hurting right now.

Confession: I almost don’t feel worthy of sadness right now because I really didn’t know him. I didn’t even wish him a happy birthday on Facebook two weeks ago when my mom texted us to reach out to him. How I wish I could change that now. It’s small and silly I know. But at least he would have known one last time that though life has kept us on opposite ends of the world, that as my grandfather I love him. I hope he knows I love him.