Subject line: to do lists.

 

denton, texas.

Right now, I’m sitting in class, ignoring every word the professor is desperately trying for us to hear, and slugging down crappy coffee. I’m not thinking about the elements of design or the project that I have due in three weeks. No, I am thinking of what’s outside this stuffy classroom, what’s outside of this little world that I carefully built for myself over the last 20 years. And while I sit here in this swivel chair doodling on my notebook, Complacency had quietly slipped through the door and made her way through the aisles to slide in the open seat next to me. Her hair is in a tight bun and plain clothes, and she blends in. Nobody turned their heads. How did we not hear her come in?

Bravery would have bust in, crazy Starbucks drink in hand and hot pink hair, a wild smile across her face. But she was not present that day.

Bravery is uncomfortable, she’ll make you question everything and carry out the answers to those questions; Complacency though, she’s the easiest thing to take comfort in.

I don’t know when I let complacency settle into my bones. I’m not sure when she slipped her way into my to do list, between grocery shopping and finishing homework. I just know that she is there.

In my head, I’m brave. I want to hike the Appalaichan trail. I want to drop out of college and serve in the mission field. I want to sky dive. I want to live freely and graciously. Five year plan, suburban, stable job, and career are all terms blacklisted in my head. I don’t want to be confined by them.

But it seems that what is in my head is not my life. I seem to be defined by these. And I’m terrified that I always will be.

I want bravery to save the day. But maybe she already has, I just chose to stay where I was, linking arms with Complacency.