Subject line: I wasn't supposed to love her.


atlanta, georgia.

My feelings for her came on quick. Inescapable. Her every move was magnified. Her laugh. Her passion. Her heart. Her boldness. It was the perfect storm. I was falling for a girl. I’m a girl. So you can see why this gets tricky.

I had no intentions of saying or doing anything. I suppressed every thought; every dream in my mind. But then, after 4 months of friendship, she told me she was falling for me. She was falling for me?! I didn’t see this coming. And I knew, deep down this could go nowhere. But my overwhelming joy and disbelief of being wanted and pursued challenged all logical thought. So we were an item. For almost a year.

We were in love. We knew the deepest parts of each other’s souls. We knew what the other one was thinking in all situations. We held hands, and wrote love letters, and worshipped God together, and participated in each other’s favorite activities even though we hated it.

But then November came. And I knew it couldn’t go on. We were not right for each other. For many reasons. She had planned a trip to visit me in Atlanta, was packed and ready to go, but I knew I couldn’t let her come. We had talked about engagement rings a few days back. But I knew I couldn’t let her come. I told her I loved her and there was no one else. But I couldn’t let her come.

So I called her. And I told her. She couldn’t come see me. We couldn’t be together. And it wasn’t possible for us to have a healthy friendship. I think I heard her heart snap. Mine sure did. Saying those words to her was like trying to talk while you’re vomiting. It’s unnatural and the last thing you want to do.

Sometimes my heart still aches for her. For her friendship; her warmth; her encouragement and heart. Deleting her from my life was like deleting my #1 comfort. For some people it’s food; but for me, it was her. And now she’s gone. Forever.