Subject line: a desire for desire.

 

tuscaloosa, alabama. 

i have no clue what i want from my life and it’s a terrible feeling. i have ideas…but no real dream or desire for anything and i wish with all my heart that i yearned for something the way i’ve seen people yearn for people and dreams that they want in their life. i tell myself i want this and that, but when it comes down to it and i actually have an opportunity to get closer to the dream that i claim to be mine, i back away. i slow it down and sabotage it myself completely unknowingly until the damage is done on both sides and i’ve convinced myself i don’t want it anymore. this is very confusing and very disheartening. there are people in my life that have such a passion for their dreams. such a passion. and i am so envious of them. i wish i had a real true desire and passion for something. but i am so lost. there’s nothing that just stands out in my mind that’s like, hey i want that and i want that now.

i have a desire for desire. which only makes me feel worse about myself as well as put more pressure on myself than i already do. if you put enough pressure on some rough graphite (along with other catalysts and whatnot) it’ll turn into a diamond, right? well some people are not lumps of graphite with the right mixture around, they are beautiful marbles. kids and adults alike collect them, marvel at them and play with them, but you put enough pressure on the most beautiful of marbles and it will shatter into a million pieces. i am a marble. —i laughed at actually saying “i am a marble” just sounds silly…—i am a marble. not the most beautiful of marbles mind you, but when the sun hits just right, it’s kinda neat to look at. i have been formed to look beautiful…that’s how i was raised. don’t complain about anything, tough it out and you’ll be a better person because of it. marbles can handle plenty of strain, but they do have a breaking point. i am trying my best to fight off the breaking point. “just a couple more weeks and maybe then you’ll know what you want in life. don’t just quit.” but i’ve no real idea. just keep hoping and praying.