subject line: fear.


seattle, washington

A couple years back my dad had throat cancer. The first question was always “How long have you been smoking?”

My dad never smoked once in his entire life. Because of that his cancer was very curable. But my 10 year old self didn’t know that. All I knew was he had cancer . . . And people die from cancer. It still scares me today, like when he goes it for screenings to make sure it hasn’t come back.

When I learned my best friend smokes, it hit me. Hard. I remember hearing it from one of my other friends over the phone. I stopped in my tracks and almost started crying. He had kept it a secret for months. I stayed awake that night thinking of what would happen if he got cancer like my dad did. I’ve since talked to him about it, but I’m still so afraid.

I understand why he does it. It relaxes him and distracts for a short time in his crappy life. The thing is, I want to be his nicotine. The one that makes him happy and takes his mind off things. Is it possible for one to be jealous of a drug?