subject line: if I answer this call.

houghton, new york 

A boy who used to haunt me came to life today. He used to lay dormant in the harbor of my eyes but today, he set sail for my heart. This boy had brown eyes that melted your soul and he knew all the words to my favorite Taylor Swift and Lil’ Wayne songs. He couldn’t help it when he called me earlier today from 413 miles away pushing his way back into my orbit. He must have thought he was doing me a civic duty, saving me from some incessant loneliness, but the only thing he was doing was making me draw up more boundaries...

You see, this boy and I would fall apart and together but the timing was never right. We were always Lorelai Gilmore and Christopher Hayden. We were never meant to be together forever. We were never meant to be, especially not now. Especially not when I am finally learning to swim on my own and not letting all the little details take me down. I am learning to dream big and dream hard. Right now, he is not a part of this equation. He is not a part of this plan.

He called me today to tell me, after not talking for 10 and a half months, that he “thinks he still loves me.” What does a girl say to that? I said nothing. I may be a coward for that. But I am afraid. And angry. And confused. It took me this long to think that I was finally getting over him for him to come back and remind me that I didn’t. That all the love is still there, hiding out in the forgotten corners of my heart. I didn’t say anything back to him and then he hung up with an apology.

But, he called me back twenty minutes ago, after we texted on and off all day, reminiscing about all the good old times we had. He called me twenty minutes ago and I answered. Reluctantly, nervously, anxiously. I was so unsure of what he would say this time. I was so unsure that my heart could take it. Because what do you say to a boy who took all your love the first time around, threw it away without a second glance, then comes right back like that never happened?

But, I answered him. And before I could get out a word, he stated “We should get married.”

I spoke this time. But I ignored the question. I told him I had to go and study for an imaginary test I had tomorrow at 8 am. I lied because that’s what a girl does in that situation. That’s what I did.

He’s tried to call me back in the last twenty minutes. 23 missed calls and 9 voicemails later I still can’t answer the question “what if?”

If I answer this call.... I don’t what I will do or what will happen.

But it all falls on that one little detail, the kind I try to not let take me down— If I answer this call.


A girl who is ignoring a buzzing device as she types.