subject line: God's messy desk.

 

pittsburgh

twenty-sixteen.

every year, resolutions are made. people want to be a better person, or go to the gym everyday, or lose weight. the gym will be full of new years resolutioners for a week or two until they give up and life gets in the way. I think for the sixth year in a row my resolution is the same.

in 2015, I wanted love. not just any kind of love but I wanted the “do crazy things, over the moon” kind of love. well there’s 3 days left of 2015 and i haven’t found that love yet. I can’t help but wonder if God forgot about me. If God forgot that I want a happy ending too. I wonder If my plan for love ended in a cul-de-sac in my hometown years ago the last time i felt that way. It’s never a good feeling to think that God forgot about you, that the plan he has doesn’t exist, or that you just don’t get a happy ending.

Christmas was a time for engagements. I think i saw at least 10 engagements on Facebook in the last month. After the first couple, it’s almost a numbing feeling. You want to be happy, but the happiness is outweighed by sadness and concern, concern that your 24 year old friends have their lives together enough to be ready to spend it with someone else and you’re sitting in bed, binge watching TV and drinking a bottle of wine.

I just want to know if my love story exists. I want Nicholas Sparks to take a stab at writing me a happily ever after, hopefully not where my true love dies in a tragic accident (as so many of his stories end).

Despite it all, in 2016, I’m still hoping for love. The can’t sleep, can’t eat, over the moon kind of love. Love that people gush about and want to scream from the top of the mountains about. I just want to experience love in the truest sense, the sense that I don’t have to apologize or hide who I am. I’m going to keep hoping that God’s desk is messy, and my love story ends up at the top this year and he starts writing my story again.