subject line: diary of a stepping stone.

 

texas

Hey, J. Remember when you were head over heels for me in high school? Do you remember how you, so vulnerably, told me how you felt and I panicked because you were my best friend and hadn’t ever thought about you like that? Remember how, eventually, things went back to normal? What you don’t remember is that I actually did end up falling in love with you. It took too long for me to realize it, though. You had already met her at that point, so I never told you how I felt. And you married her a couple years ago. So, I’m glad you’re happy. But, I did love you. I was just too late.

Hey, C. Remember how in love we used to be? Do you remember the years we spent on each other? Remember when we danced in the snow and played in the rain and kissed under the Christmas light display you used to take me to see? Remember those bracelets we made when we were having a particularly horrible weekend, the ones with each other’s names on them? Do you remember breaking up with me over a text? We had plans to be engaged within months. We were going to spend our lives together. You wouldn’t remember how devastated I was for the months to follow, because you didn’t talk to me for a year after breaking it off. You were engaged to her ten months later, and you married her a couple of months ago. I loved you, C. You’re gone, now. A stranger. But, man. How I loved you.

Hey, N. Remember me? That’s all I want to know. Do you remember me, the woman you claimed to love madly and then promptly left for someone else? I remember you and I still love you. I know you’re with her now and you are going to propose soon. I know that. But, I miss you. You weren’t “the one,” but I wanted you to be.

I guess that’s a common theme though, huh? World, if you’re reading this, I am so effing terrified of this trend. I mean, does it scare anyone else to step back and realize that you have fallen deeply in love with more than one person? That we are capable of something like that, even after experiencing pain and heartache? It scares me shitless. I am tired. I am sad. I think I’m also lonely and having a really hard time watching everyone get married while the men I loved leave me to marry someone else. Will I always be the stepping stone for others? I don’t know, and I’m really just not willing to get back out there and try again. I have no desire to pursue romance, not anymore. Romance seems to be rather selective, and I’m not even on the waiting list.