subject line: try to understand.

 

pittsburgh, pennslyvania

To my mom: I’m sorry I can’t always “do life” the way you want me to—I know you want what’s best for me, you want to see me happy, you want me to have days to remember, but I can’t always bring myself to do just that. Some days, the most I can handle is opening my bedroom door, making a cup of tea, and talking with you for an hour. Please don’t push my boundaries for me, I need to do that in my own way.

To my professors: I’m sorry there are days I’m disconnected from your lesson—the effort of convincing myself to attend the class in the first place took all the energy I had, and the thought of participating is more stressful than you might know. Some days, I’ll have a lot to say and contribute, and I know it will frustrate you that I don’t do this every time we meet. Please give me time, I’ll say what I need to say when I can.

To my best friends: I’m sorry I haven’t been myself lately—you want me to be outgoing, exciting, flirtatious, and willingly to go out with you all; I can’t be that person right now. You’re frustrated because I’m missing out on what should be the best year yet, because I’m myself one day and locked in my head the next, because I can’t handle social interactions the way I used to. Some days, getting out of bed is my biggest accomplishment. Please don’t leave me behind, knowing you’re still there makes getting out of bed a little easier.

To the boy I love: I’m sorry—I shouldn’t be sorry, I shouldn’t be apologizing to you, I shouldn’t still care. I guess I’m sorry I do. It’s not your fault that this is my reality the past few months, but you weren’t even there to know. Some days, I stare out the window of the public bus and cry to some Taylor Swift song, missing you. Please don’t judge me too harshly, I’m not the one who gave up on us.

To the birthday girl’s party I’m missing tonight: I’m sorry I couldn’t be the friend you needed me to be tonight—last night was too much socializing for me, last night was too emotional for me, last night was too many “last moments” for me. I wish I had the strength to be the friend I used to be for you. Some days, I can be excited to join the fun but today I just needed my cat. Please have fun without me, I’ll be there for the next memories.

To my family, my sisters, my friends, and strangers: I’m sorry I let depression take over again. I’m sorry I can’t admit to you there’s a problem and I can’t fix it. I’m sorry I’m not myself anymore and you don’t know why. I’m sorry I won’t talk to you about it even though your doors are open. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to beat depression right now. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—for something that I can’t control. Some days, the fog is too dense, the world is too small, the thoughts are too loud, the feelings are too much. Please help me through this, even when I don’t ask.