subject line: for Jordan.

 

kennesaw, georgia

For the last six years I’ve internalized my fight with depression and anxiety. For the last six years I’ve dragged myself out of bed by myself, turned away from suicide by myself, gave pep talks to myself. But you can only do so much. Suddenly saying “I’m fine” and telling myself I’m just tired didn’t work anymore. Suddenly sitting in a room full of people and feeling alone wasn’t so easy to choke down anymore. Suddenly this load was way too heavy to carry. This is for anyone fighting the same fight and choosing to fight it by yourself. Maybe because you don’t wanna be “that girl” or you think you’ve got it handled, or you don’t want people to say you’re overreacting. One day you will wake up and will realize that this fight can not be fought alone, that you were never alone, that maybe the people who said they loved you meant it. One day you will wake up and find your “Jordan”. My Jordan is my roommate, one of the few people that really know the broken, sad, and real me. The one who sat next to me at the gyno a couple years after my abortion, the one who dragged my ass to the therapist, the one who told me to stop bullshitting with my life. We become very good at hiding the secrets we don’t think the people around us can handle but you see Jordan could always see right through me. And I am so grateful for her, for her making me do what I could never do by myself. You see going to a therapist means accepting that I have a problem, that I’m not as strong as I seem. It means that suddenly I am “that girl”, that God could only get me so far, that my parents were wrong. And without Jordan I would have still been in the same spot. Fighting panic attacks with her in the other room, crying myself to sleep with her on the other side of the wall, hiding my sad and watery eyes with allergies and late nights studying. That day I broke down in front of her was so scary and embarrassing but mostly freeing. It was as if the show was finally over, I could finally take off this damned costume. I could stop pretending and start hoping, start working towards recovery. So this is for Jordan, because without her I doubt I’d still be here.