subject line: For Christ's sakes, we're just kids.

 

atlanta, georgia

I cause myself pain in order to remind myself that I can still feel something.

Because I would rather feel pain than nothing at all.

An example of this? I’m still sleeping with my ex boyfriend. We dated for four years. We have been broken up for four months. He was seeing someone else. Recently one of our friends died. The experience brought us back together and reminded us how much we care about each other. Soon after, he ended his relationship with his girlfriend. We slept together the same night they broke up. It’s continued on since then. The sex became like heroin, we are addicted. But we are not back together. We want two different lives. We are both seeing other people. But he still calls me- and I still answer. I can’t say no. The other night I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I had a complete breakdown. I wept in his arms. We don’t know what we are. We don’t know how to be. We are best friends and we care about each other but we know we cannot be together. Yet we selfishly cause one another pain by not letting go because we don’t know how to live without each other.

Today I found out that I may be pregnant with his child.

All of this because I wanted to feel something.